


I did it because..

by thesongofdarkness



Series: Sam is not okay [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cutting, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Hallucifer, Lucifer - Freeform, POV Sam Winchester, Season/Series 10, Self Harm, Suicidal Sam, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 01:17:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2603207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesongofdarkness/pseuds/thesongofdarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sams thoughts about why his wrist is covered in cuts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I did it because..

The first time I did it, I did it to be sure, to be sure that this was real and that I was really here.  
The second time I did it was to feel something, and pain..it felt real.  
The third time I did it, I did it to stop fading, I was afraid of disappearing,of fading away to nothing.  
The fourth time I did it, I did it to wake up, to wake up from this nightmare ,but the blood just kept tickling down.  
The fifth time I did it to stay.  
The sixth time, to feel alive.  
The seventh time, because it was the only thing grounding me.  
The eight because I had to.  
The ninth because how could this be real?  
The tenth, as a reminder.  
The eleventh as a punishment.  
The twelfth to feel something.  
The thirtheenth because I felt lost.  
The fourteenth because the screaming wouldn't stop.  
The fifteenth because I kept seeing him.  
The sixteenth to disapear.  
The seventeenth to forget.  
The eighteenth because I wanted it to stop.  
The nineteenth because I felt numb.  
The twentieth because I wanted to be clean.  
The twentyfirst because I wanted to die.  
The twenty-second because nothing seemed real.  
The twenty-third because I choosed wrong.  
The twenty-fourth because I wanted to be saved.  
The twenty-fifth because I was wrong.  
The twenty-sixth because it was all to much.  
The twenty-sevent because I wanted him out.  
The twenty-eight because I failed him.  
The twenty-ninth because he didn't trust me.  
The thirty because I wanted him to stop.  
The thirty-first because I thought it was over.  
The thiry-second because nothing gives meaning.  
The thirty-three because I can't stop.  
The thirty-fourth because the world has lost it's colors.  
The thirty-fifth because it has become normal, and how fucked up isn't that?  
The thirty-sixth to stop feeling like a freak.  
The thirty-seventh because I wanted him to notice.  
The thirty-eight because there is nothing left.  
The thirty-ninth because he is dead.  
The forty because I deserved it.  
The forty-first because it will soon all be over.  
The forty-second because I can't feel anything.  
The forty-third because I can't feel what is real or not.  
The forty-fourth because I can't say yes.  
The forty-fifth becasue I can't seem to stop.  
The forty-sixth because I am tired.  
The forty-sevent because I am a monster.  
The forty-eight because I don't deserve to be saved.  
The forty-ninth because I can't tell him the truth.  
And the last time I did it because it was all to much and I can't seem to stop...


End file.
